Asking Your Adult Prodigal Child If You Can Work It Out Is The Wrong Question.
I want you to know that you are not alone in your family estrangement journey. Too often, family estrangement is not talked about and it leaves us feeling isolated and alone.
Whether your situation is complete estrangement, where you’re not talking to your child at all, or if you have strained relationship with a prodigal child but you still talk… either way, you are not alone.
Family estrangement contains so many nuances.
One of the most common heartaches I hear from moms who have tried reaching out to their estranged adult child is this: “I asked if we could work it out and she said no.”
Or in a variation of that, “I asked if we could work it out and she ignored me. I got no answer at all.”
In both situations, the issue is almost certainly coming from the question. “Can we work it out?” It’s the wrong question and in most cases, it will get you nowhere in working out your family estrangement.
When I say wrong question, I don’t mean it in the sense that you did anything wrong by asking it. I don’t mean it’s a bad question. It’s actually a very natural thing to want to know.
But you can save yourself a lot of sadness by asking a different question.
Ask a different question.
A different question might get you the result you want and hope for - a different question might get you the opening of a door to communication with your estranged child.
Instead of asking if things can be fixed, try asking something like this: "Are you open to talking with me to explain your side of things? I can give you my word that I will truly listen and not defend or deflect. I just want to hear you out."
Are you open to talking to me to tell me your side of things… that question is more likely to get a yes from your estranged child for a few reasons.
For one, it feels less overwhelming. It doesn’t ask to fix everything. It doesn’t ask for things to get back to normal (whatever normal really means) and it doesn’t imply a commitment of any kind. Another reason it feels better to your estranged child is because it suggests you’re open to considering their point of view.
If they believe your mind is 100% closed to any possibility that their feelings have merit, they’re unlikely to make themselves vulnerable in explaining how they feel. And yes, even when they are being smart mouthed about it, explaining their feelings probably feels risky and vulnerable to them.
When you go on to explain that you will not defend or deflect, you let him or her know that this can be a conversation instead of an argument. It isn’t about having a goal of disproving any accusations or complaints they may raise. It’s about witnessing their feelings and considering if any of their assertions could be true.
Approaching this before you’re ready can Make the family estrangement Last Longer.
A caveat about letting them know you will not deflect or defend… don’t enter into this offer of conversation until you’re at an emotional place where you can truly do that. It is HARD to hear accusations about your parenting without defending yourself.
For me, that felt nearly impossible, at one time. But eventually, when I had experienced my own inner healing, it became easier to do. Now, I can hear my daughter out, without feeling like her words define me or like I am attached to her approval. And that is a very freeing feeling.
This is one of the things I can help you achieve if we work together. You get support in experiencing all of your feelings, and we process those emotions. I guide you through the steps to heal so that you can come into this part of the journey from a place that is healed, strong and empowered.
Also not defending yourself is not the same thing as admitting guilt or agreeing with your child’s comments or accusations. It just means that you’re listening without interrupting, and you’re considering their statements.
what if you disagree with what your estranged adult child says about you?
Even if you find that you do not at all agree with something they say, you can still feel empathy that they are feeling upset. You can say something that lets them know you witness them. You might say, “I can tell that really hurt you and I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were upset about this sooner.”
In a statement like that, you let them know you hear them and you care about their feelings. But you communicate it without agreeing with everything they said.
It’s also okay to say “Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I really care about you and I want to make sure I handle this the best way possible, so I will take a little time and process everything you’ve said. I want you to know I love you and I want to show up in ways that make you feel loved.”
That buys you time to think about things, and also lets them know you care. You don’t have to have an immediate answer in that moment.
I hear moms of estranged children get hung up on this and feel like why should they have to be the bigger person in the situation, or why can’t they say how they feel without censoring themselves.
The answer is, you CAN say whatever you want, however you want. But you have to ask yourself which matters more to you - saying what you want, uncensored or working things out with your child.
You can prioritize proving you’re right or you can prioritize being in a better relationship. The battle you choose is up to you. The important thing there is that you feel good about your reasons for whichever choice you make. Really think about that.
Tough love coming up…
If your goal is reconciliation with your child, here is some tough love (and it’s something I wish someone had told me when I was earlier on the journey with my formerly estranged daughter) - you are the parent. The onus is on you to set the example for emotional regulation and shining the love of God.
Your child and you may both be adults, but you are still the mom and that means you set the standard and the tone. You stay in control of your mind and emotions. You make responsible choices. You do not need validation from your child. You take responsibility to get the support you need from a coach, therapist or clergy person.
Eventually, if you show up with your emotions regulated, your adult child will more than likely follow your lead. But don’t expect it to happen the first time. It might take months or years of you showing up well before they follow your lead.
There is a chance that it won’t happen in this lifetime. Keep leading well anyway. God’s timing is not our business.
If you have already asked your child if you can work it out and received a “no” or a cold shoulder, it’s not too late to ask a better question. Give it some time, maybe a month or two at least, and then ask them if they would be open to meeting up or having a phone call, to share their feelings with you.
If they still say no, let them know the door is open should they decide they’d like to tell you their side of things. And again, make sure they know you are committed to listening without deflecting or defending.
Is this hard to say? Yes! But if your goal is to open the door to possible reconciliation, there has to be a bridge back to communication between you. Without communication, you cannot reconcile.
If you’re wondering if it can be worked out…
By the way, as to the question of “can it be worked out?” You already have the answer. The answer is YES. Even if your estranged child says no. Even if he ignores you.
You serve the supernatural God who can and does defy worldly understanding. God can make a way where you see no way. There is no need to ask your child that question because the Bible already answered.
Sometimes it comes in layers. Smaller steps. It’s okay to let it come in increments. In the meantime, work on your own healing and work on enjoying your life.
When you’re coming from a healed and whole place, reconciliation is much more likely to happen and to stick for the long term.
If you’d like support around how to increase your chances for reconciling with an estranged child, and how to enjoy your life more, I can help you.
I’ve not only studied it professionally, but I’ve also LIVED it with my own daughter. I know what worked for me, and I can help you walk this journey, too.
Go here to learn about the first step in emotional healing and reconciliation.
Be good to yourself, and know that there is hope, healing and happiness available to you.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.