Parenting Young Adults Is A Whole New Thing. Use These Tips For Better Conversations With Your Adult Kiddo.
parenting young adults…
Maybe you’re semi-estranged from your adult child. Or perhaps you have recently reconciled and you get nervous thinking that if the conversation goes poorly, you’ll be back to square one. Either way, it’s easy for what was meant to be a good conversation to spiral out of control. Parenting adult children can be hard to figure out (putting it mildly).
After the conversation takes a bad turn, you're left wondering what even just happened, and replaying it on repeat in your mind. Then you don't feel good about how you showed up, and you worry that you blew it.
So, let’s talk about how to have conversations with your young adult child that leave you feeling good.
What to do in conversations with your young adult
#1 - Listen, way more than you talk. It can be tempting to jump in. And a lot of times when we think of listening, what we're actually doing is waiting for a pause in the conversation so that we can jump in and give our response to what's just been said. That's not the kind of listening I'm referring to here.
Really take time and listen to what your young adult is saying. Not with the intention of planning what you want to say, or judging what they're telling you. Just really plug in and listen to what they're saying. Make sure that they're talking more than you're talking.
Also be genuinely curious and interested. Ask a few questions, but not so many that it feels like an interrogation. Be curious about what's going on with them, or how they arrived at that conclusion, etc.
#2 - Be an example of love. It can be so easy to shift into judgment and opinion-giving. Even if you're not agreeing with everything your young adult is saying, stay in a place of love.
This can be difficult when things come up that you clearly disagree about. You might be triggered and go into defense mode. Stop and think about how Jesus responded to people, even people whose actions He didn't agree with. He came from a place of love and care, and we need to do the same thing so that we can shine the light of God for our children to see. We have an opportunity to be an example of what it means to be a Christian. So, make sure that when you're responding, you're responding in love. Part of successfully parenting a young adult is allowing space for them to arrive at their own conclusions.
Remember when you were in school, and the teacher asked a question that you knew the answer to? Did you throw up your hand like, “Ooh, Ooh! I know this!”. When we know the answer, we want to tell them the answer. We want to shortcut them to the right solution. There was a point in our lives when that was part of the job description of being a mom.
Like when they were younger and came in with a cut on their knee. It was our job to get it cleaned off, to fix it, to put a bandaid on it and maybe give them a kiss to make it feel better. It was our job to jump in and help them find the right answer. Now we're in a new season and our role is shifting to more of a mentor.
That's a hard adjustment to make sometimes. And that's okay. We're allowed to make mistakes, and we're figuring it out as we go, just like they are. Give them some space to come to their own answers. Give them the empowerment to fail forward. Chances are, they will be okay… you raised resilient children, mama. You did a good job. You equipped them to bounce back from failures and to learn from mistakes.
#3 - Talk to Jesus about it, instead of your young adult. When you find yourself really wanting to snap at them or criticize, keep your peace until you can go to Jesus in prayer. Instead of saying something snarky in a moment of frustration, wait until you have private prayer time and talk to Jesus about how you feel. Pray over your young adult and ask for God’s guidance about how to handle it. Praying for your adult child does far more good than trying to convince them through arguing.
#4 - Point out the positive. Did you ever notice that people tend to leave reviews when they are angry with the way something went? When we’re angry or frustrated, we want to express how we feel. We want to be heard. It’s part of human nature. It’s smart to be mindful of this when parenting young adults.
Anytime you “catch them” doing something good, make a point to mention it. Be their cheerleader. Point out the positive. Who would you listen to and want to be around more - someone who was quick to be critical, or someone who always had a positive word, and held space for believing in the good about you?
What not to do in conversations with your young adult
#1 - Avoid over giving opinions. If your child asks you what you think of something, then of course tell them. But again, tell them with love, without coming from a place of defensiveness, anger or guilt. If your young adult does not ask for your opinion, don’t give it.
When your child was growing up, you were helping them form their values by giving your opinions. Now it's time for you to pull back from that, and trust that they will find their way.
#2 - Don’t ask lots of questions. Asking a couple questions to show your interest or curiosity is fine, but don’t let it turn into an information fishing expedition. It’s tempting to go down that rabbit hole and start peeling the layers back, but if your young adult feels put under the spotlight, they will probably start associating your interactions with negativity. Over time, they’ll avoid those interactions with you, which is exactly what you don't want. Create good experiences so that they associate something positive with having conversations with you. And over time, they'll want to do more of that.
#3 - Don't get angry if their beliefs differ from your beliefs. This is a big one for me. Not too long after my daughter turned 18, she let me know that she no longer, at that point, believed what I believed and had left the Christian Faith.
I was devastated. My youngest son has had periods where he goes back and forth on what he believes. For some time, I felt like they were rejecting me by having different beliefs than I do. I was really hurt by that. Of course, I’m also hurt if they turn away from the Christian Faith, or if they're doing something that I know is not right. However, I've had to learn to try not to make their rejection of Christianity mean they are also rejecting me. They’re two different things, though there can be a common thread. I love my children regardless of their choices; Jesus has always loved me, regardless of mine.
If you find yourself in a similar position of your young adult rejecting the Christian Faith, you can disagree with their values or their actions, but still love them dearly. Zoom out, and think before you respond. Don't take it as a personal insult unless they clearly make it that way. And remember that what somebody believes at 21 may not at all be what they believe at 31, 41 or beyond. This doesn't have to be forever.
A large part of where they will land with how they view Christianity, and their values, involves how they see you walk that out. The good news about that is you still have some power to impact their belief system by the way you choose to show up.
#4 - Don’t be a micromanager. Resist the urge (if you have one) to micromanage their situations, problems or lives. If they ask for your help, give them reasonable help without enabling them.
Caveat: if you have a special needs young adult, he or she might need a little bit more direction, and that's a different situation. Always do your best to help them live at their highest independent potential. Encourage them to grow into doing everything they can on their own.
Keep in mind… this is a season, and seasons change. The conversations you have right now might be a little tense, and they might go off the rails sometimes even in spite of your best efforts. Just always just come back to center, do your best and know that this phase will not last forever.
With practice, it does get easier. And how fun is that you get to interact with this human that you raised in a more relaxed, easy way?
Let's shine the love of God, and continue to mother from a place of love and faith and belief that our children are in God's hands.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation.
Jenny Good is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach, and specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support .