Your Estranged Child Wants You To Do These 5 Things
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Get an insider’s view of what your estranged adult child wants from you.
It can feel hard to know what your estranged adult child wants from you. You want to be prepared for how to handle it well if they become open to communicating, but how do you prepare for that season?
Life often occurs in seasons. In the weather patterns, as well as the lifestyle and emotional seasons of our loves. Just as we prepare for the new season ahead, so should we also prepare for the season of reconciliation. If you’re praying for it, and believing it will happen, you need to prepare for the breakthrough.
Part of that preparation is learning what your estranged son or daughter wants from you, and as far as you can, while remaining true to God, providing those things. The more you can do that, the better your chance of having a reconciled relationship that lasts for the long term.
In this blog post, I’m going to tell you 5 things your estranged daughter or son wants you to do. I’ve gathered this information through my own estrangement journey, as well as working with the estranged adult children of my clients. Are you ready? Let’s go…
1) Your estranged child wants you to listen.
Especially in the beginning phase of reconciliation, which I define as the first year, you should try to listen more than you talk. Listening also involves not telling your son or daughter they’re wrong in their perceptions, or trying to justify or explain your past words and actions. If they ask you why you did or said something, of course you should give them that information, but even then, do so with an air of taking ownership and responsibility for your actions. Remember, ownership is not about blame; what you take ownership of, you have the capacity to change.
Listening involves truly hearing them. Allowing them to have a different perception from yours. Asking questions that draw out their emotions, even when what they’re saying feels hard to hear. As the reconciled relationship grows, listening is also about being genuinely curious and interested in what is happening in their lives. Asking open-ended questions and not interrupting them to interject your opinions or unsolicited advice.
It is a gift to listen and witness someone. A gift for them because it feels healing and validating. And a gift for you that you are being invited into, and trusted in, that space.
2 ) Your estranged child wants you to look at yourself objectively.
This does not mean you must 100% agree with everything they say about you. It DOES mean that you hear them out, detach from the trigger of any labels or words they might use, and see underneath of that to truly look at yourself.
See things from an objective perspective and ask yourself where might there be even a grain of truth in what they are saying. For example, if your child tosses out the narcissist label, take a breath and detach from the emotional charge of that term.
Instead ask yourself, “Okay, where might there be truth that I focused more on myself than on their feelings? Could it be true that sometimes I saw my own pain more than I thought about how they felt? Was I so busy with work that I forgot to talk to them about how they were feeling sometimes?”
None of this is meant to condemn you, but rather to find the common ground and meet them there. To heal something, you have to know it’s there.
You can choose to release any fear around being labeled as 100% wrong if you agree or “admit” there is some truth to something they say about you. It’s a fear your brain is offering you, but that doesn’t make it true. You can be a great mother AND have some things to work on.
3) Your estranged child wants you to Get professional guidance.
Estranged adult children have told me that it is important to them that their mom is getting professional guidance and working through the things that caused issues in the relationship from their end.
Your estranged child views this as evidence that you’re hearing them and that you truly want to make positive changes. The upside to that is that, at least with my clients, not only are you showing them you’re committed to making the relationship better, but you are also getting the support you need to feel better and to show up in strong S/spiritual warfare.
4) Your estranged child wants you to Be responsible for your own emotional well being and sense of fulfillment.
One of the fastest ways to overload the system of many of today’s young adults is to make them feel like they are responsible for your emotional well being.
While they want to be recognized as an adult in their own right, they also want YOU to assume the role of Mom. They do not want to be treated like your friend, a therapist, a mediator or the one you lean on for emotional support.
Even though leaning on a child for support might have been totally normal when you or I were young adults, in today’s world it is known as parentification. And it comes with a heavy price tag… which is often the distancing of your adult child, away from you.
I’m not saying this is correct. In fact, I think estrangement is very rarely the right answer. But you have to meet your son or daughter in their perception; you can be right or you can be reconciled. If the goal is reconciliation, we have to make some adjustments, where we can do so without going against God’s will.
So when you need to feel better, or vent about a family member’s behavior, or talk about what’s stressing you regarding finances or work… it’s better to take that to someone other than your child.
For example, when you are lonely and want company, consider joining a small group at church, taking a hobby-based class or meeting a friend for dinner. Find ways to have your own emotional back.
When you want to talk about how the estrangement has hurt you, talk with a trained estrangement professional such as a Christian Estrangement Coach.
The upside to this is that there is empowerment in putting the locus of control for your emotional well being into your own hands, as opposed to your child’s hands.
5) Your estranged child wants you to honor their autonomy.
They want you to honor their requests for space, guidelines for the ways to engage, and boundaries around interacting with their children. Many times, estranged children say they felt there was no room for them in the relationship with their mom. As if her personality and desires took up all the space and they felt invisible or powerless.
They want to feel like they are respected by you, and that they have choice and some level of control in the present relationship dynamic.
If you have an opportunity to talk with them, ask for their input where ever you can. For example, “I’d like to send Amy a birthday gift, but as her parents I wanted to see if that was okay, and if there is anything you might suggest that you’d like her to have?” Or even just saying, “I’d love to get your input” or “What do you think?”.
If they have asked for space within the past 90 days, honor that request and don’t contact them right now. It might feel difficult, but it shows them that you’re hearing them and you are giving them autonomy and choice. That goes a long way to creating a sense of emotional safety, which is key to re-opening the door to communication.
If you’d like deeper guidance and support around preparing for reconciliation with your estranged adult child, I can help you. Go here to apply for a free consultation to learn about estrangement coaching.
Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.