Apologized To Your Estranged Child And It Made No Difference?
estranged mother: There are 3 ways you can sabotage your apology without realizing it.
Have you tried to apologize to your estranged daughter or son, but it didn’t make a difference to them? Maybe you’ve been wondering what more you could have said, or why your estranged child didn’t accept your apology.
In this podcast episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
3 ways you might be sabotaging your apology without realizing it
Specific ways to fix the issues that cause your estranged child to ignore your apology
Read the blog below…
Many times when clients first come to me as their estrangement coach, they tell me they’ve tried apologizing to their estranged daughter or son, but it didn’t make a difference. There are many reasons that can happen, but I want to teach you about 3 specific ways you can sabotage your apology to your estranged adult child.
You can sabotage your apology to your estranged child by using the word “but”.
Anytime you follow an apology with the word “but”, you’ve just erased your apology. You might as well not have said you were sorry at all.
What your child experiences when you use the word “but” after your apology is that you kind of played with their emotions. They feel like you got their hopes up with the apology and then tore it down by justifying or explaining away why you aren’t really at fault in the first place.
As hard as it can be, and believe me, I know it can be hard not to do it… make your apology, own it and then be quiet.
Literally close your mouth for the next 30 seconds. Count them down in your head. Let your words stand on their own without any further explanation, rationalization or excuse. It will make your words so much more meaningful and powerful to your child if you do this.
Think of the “but” as a means of watering down your words. You don’t want to weaken their impact. Say you’re sorry, and let it stand.
You can sabotage your apology to your estranged child by saying you’re sorry they feel that way.
This might be the only thing you can think to say on the spur of the moment, when your child says something that either feels really hard to hear, or something you disagree with strongly. Or maybe you know that what they said is simply not true.
You don’t want to agree with something in an insincere way, and you also don’t want to slam the door closed on the communication. So you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
The reason this sabotages your apology is that it feels to your child like you’re telling them their feelings are wrong, while maintaining that you’re not wrong. To them, that feels rejecting, invalidating and condescending. None of that helps the communication feel emotionally safe to them.
Instead, you can say, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t tuned in to how you felt about this. I missed it, and it sounds like that was really hurtful.” Or really scary, or hard or whatever emotion they’ve been describing to you.
That doesn’t put you in a position of being fake and agreeing with something you don’t actually agree with. It also helps your estranged child feel heard, and emotionally safe to tell you their feelings. Because you handled it with love and you accepted their feelings, right where they are.
You didn’t necessarily agree with their feelings, but you acknowledged them. That’s what I mean by acceptance here.
You can sabotage your apology to your estranged child by issuing a blanket apology.
A blanket apology is when you tell your estranged son or daughter that you’re sorry for everything you did wrong. Or maybe you say, “I apologize for whatever I did to make you stop talking to me.”
Let’s put yourself in the place of your estranged child right now. This is one of the ways I teach my clients to communicate in ways that inspire their children to want to lean in and have more contact with them…. We work on sitting in their seat, and being able to say the things that will feel healing to them instead of feeling like emotional combat.
If you want someone who has hurt you to see that you’re hurt and to care about it… and they say they want to talk it out and repair things… you probably feel some level of hope. Even if it’s mixed with anxiety, anger, fear and whatever. You show up to the conversation holding onto that hope, but also feeling some apprehension.
That person then apologizes for “whatever they did wrong”.
You would probably feel like they haven’t heard you, like your points were completely overlooked or misunderstood. You figure they just want you to get over it so they can have what they want, which is the relationship to go back to normal. Except you didn’t like the previous version of normal. It felt hurtful to you before, and you wanted it to change.
You’d feel let down and maybe even like you were silly to have thought it would go any other way. That’s how your son or daughter will feel if you give them a blanket apology.
Instead, work on how to listen better, how to communicate well and how to create the emotional safety they need you to rebuild, so that they feel comfortable talking to you more.
The apology is one part of the larger path to healing the estrangement from your child. If you want some help and guidance with getting there, go here.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.
