Estranged And Blocked: Should You Have Someone Contact Your Child For You?
How do you get through to your estranged child if you’re blocked?
Many estranged mothers have been blocked on their estranged child’s social media and phone. Their estranged daughter or son has made it very difficult for them to get a message through to them. Of course, there is a time to respect their boundary, but there is also a time to reach out to your estranged adult child.
In this podcast episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
How to know when it’s time to reach out to your estranged adult child
If you should have someone reach out on your behalf if your child has you blocked
Read the blog below…
Something that comes up fairly frequently with my estrangement coaching clients is how to get a message to their child if that child has them blocked. Often, estranged adult children block their parents on social media, mobile phones and email.
Estranged mothers might consider having someone else contact their son or daughter on their behalf. On the surface, this makes sense because reconciliation requires some form of communication.
Even though it might seem like the rational solution, it is actually not a good idea to have another person contact your estranged child for you, with one exception. I’ll talk about that exception in a bit. But first, I’ll tell you why you don’t want to enlist the help of a family member or friend to get a message to your child…
Your estranged child will think you’ve been making them out as the villain.
Your estranged child will think that the family member or friend is being told bad things about them, by you. The adult child feels you have turned this person against them, or otherwise tainted their perception of them. Many estranged children think their mother plays a victim role, and if you have someone talk to them for you, they’re likely to think you played the victim to this person. All this does is make your child believe they were right about you, and that distancing themself from you was the healthy thing to do.
Your estranged child will cut contact with the person you send to talk to them.
Your child is likely to cut off contact with that family member or friend if they believe this person took your side, so to speak. They might also think they are being ganged up on by your side of the table. This creates an “us against them” mentality, which is counter-productive to healing the estranged relationship.
Your estranged child will feel as though you ignored their boundaries… again.
Last reason I will give here is that your estranged child will feel like you are ignoring their boundaries and pushing past their desire for space. This prolongs the estrangement, and leads them to believe they must have made the right decision to go no contact with you, because here you are, doing the same old things that bothered them to begin with. I’m not making that judgment against you here, but rather telling you what your child would be thinking.
There is an exception when it’s more likely to get a good response to have someone else reach out.
That exception is if the person reaching out is a therapist or Coach who has specific experience and training with parental estrangement and reconciliation.
Notice I mentioned experience and training. Not all therapists or coaches are well suited to do this type of outreach for you. The language used must be very carefully selected, and this person must understand how to navigate the boundary issue. And the delivery of the message, meaning the tone and nuances, has to be spot on.
If all of that criteria is met, you have a decent chance of your child giving a sincere response to the person reaching out on your behalf. The perk of having an estrangement and reconciliation professional do this for you, is that they can offer to speak 1:1 with your child before the child speaks to you. That can feel like a more emotionally safe alternative to your child.
Timing matters.
The timing of the reach out is important, too. For at least 90 days from the time your child goes no contact, I want you to resist the urge to reach out. You both need that time to allow your emotions to settle a little, and for your nervous system to start to return to baseline.
After a minimum of 90 days since your last contact with them, AND after having worked with the right estrangement coach or therapist, then it’s time to consider reaching out. At that point, if the person you’ve been working with is doing their job well, you’re in a different space as far as your thinking and your communication style.
So in essence, you’re going to respect their boundary around when to have contact, except you will provide them with some new information from which they can make that choice. If they reply and say they are not ready to talk yet, you will honor that. This must be worded a specific way to get the point across in a way that feels good for your child. Do not try to wing this on your own.
Let’s recap.
To recap, avoid having a family member or friend reach out to your estranged child on your behalf. It will backfire in almost every situation. Instead, work with an experienced estrangement and reconciliation therapist or Coach and allow that person to reach out for you, when the time is right, if that is something they offer.
Okay, friend. That is what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.
