Why Are All These Adult Children Going No Contact?
The family estrangement epidemic
There is a family estrangement epidemic happening. One in Four families in the United States are estimated to have a family estrangement going on. Why are all these adult children going on contact and walking away from their parents?
In this podcast episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
The 6 common pathways to estrangement
4 catalysts that cause estrangement, once you go down any of those pathways
The next step in healing the break in your family
Read the blog below…
One of the most common questions of estranged mothers is, “Why did my child go no contact from me?”. You might have asked yourself that question many times, only to draw a blank and be left wondering what caused the estrangement to happen.
There is a family estrangement epidemic happening at the time of this podcast episode. One in Four families in the United States are estimated to have a family estrangement going on. That’s a huge number.
Why are all these adult children going on contact and walking away from their parents?
I’ll tell you the 6 common pathways to estrangement, as well as the 4 catalysts that support estrangement, once you go down any of those pathways.
I’ll also tell you the next step in healing the break in your family. Because understanding why is only a small part of the equation. You have to also know how to repair it.
Understandably, you want to know what led to your child going no contact with you. And if you’ve spent some time looking at Facebook groups, or other internet information about adult child estrangement, you’ve learned that estrangement has become an epidemic.
There are 6 main pathways that lead to estrangement from your son or daughter. There are also 4 catalysts that help cause estrangement, after any of those 6 pathways are activated.
Here are the 6 main pathways to estrangement:
#1 pathway to estrangement from your child: past wounds
Both your child’s wounds and yours play a role here. Their wounds might come from things like, feeling as if they were physically abused due to how you disciplined them, or feeling as though you overpowered them in the relationship. Your wounds might have shown up in the style of parenting you chose or making them responsible for your feelings, and a host of other ways.
#2 pathway to estrangement from your child: traumas, such as divorce or death
When I am working with estranged mothers, I often hear that there was a trauma involved in their estranged child’s life, before the estrangement happened. It could be something like divorce of their parents or a death of someone they were close with.
#3 pathway to estrangement from your child: their significant other
There is an epidemic within the epidemic of estrangement, where the daughter in law, or son’s girlfriend, drives the wedge between the son and his parent or her parents.
This can also happen with a son in law or boyfriend as well. I think it used to be more of an issue with the son in law or boyfriend being controlling over the female. Now, I see more of a shift where it’s the daughter in law or girlfriend.
If you’re experiencing this, I want you to know there are ways to navigate it, so that you can disarm the defensiveness of the significant other. This is something I work with my estrangement clients on, and have seen success.
If you have not read the blog post about the daughter in law cult, you can do that here. I highly recommend it. I think you’ll find so much useful information in that blog post if you’re experiencing this with the significant other of your estranged son. Much of it can also apply to controlling sons in laws as well.
#4 pathway to estrangement from your child: money
Disagreements over money can cause your child to think they are not important to you, that you favor their sibling… or even just bring out the plain old greed in them.
#5 pathway to estrangement from your child: unmet expectations
Your child might have had expectations that went unmet, such as they might have wanted more time with you, but you needed to work long hours to make ends meet. Or maybe they expected you to be more supportive of their significant other.
You also might have held expectations, such as that they would text you or call more often. Or maybe you expected them to have more family loyalty than you perceive them as having when it comes to their spouse being against you. The door swings both ways on this one. Unmet expectations can quickly cause rifts and hurt feelings, leading to a breakdown of the relationship.
#6 pathway to estrangement from your child: differences in values
This is a big one. Whether the values are religious, political or something else, when your child and you do not share a basic core set of values, it can lead to estrangement.
There are ways to learn to be in relationship with them, even when they leave the Christian Faith or if their political values differ from yours, but it can take some special communication techniques, and some changes in your approach.
catalysts to estrangement
There are also, what I call catalysts to estrangement. Catalysts are like “activators” that move your child to estrangement, once they are already on the path with any of the risk factors I just talked about.
There are 4 common estrangement catalysts
#1 - The Internet: I think that one is pretty self explanatory.
#2 - Co-sign culture groups: which are online or in-person peer groups that bond around a culture, such as new age psychology or what they perceive as emotional wellness, which can lead them to going no contact.
#3 - Therapists: Not all therapists are bad actors, but many are harming family units instead of helping to heal them. Therapists can be quick to blame parents and even suggest that a parent sounds toxic or like a narcissist, when they’ve never even met that parent. They might also suggest or reinforce the idea that the only healthy choice is to go no contact.
#4 - Media: Such as movies, books or podcasts. These can contain content that influences your child to estrange, especially if they are already considering it and trying to figure out what to do.
The next step
I hope that having a deeper understanding of what might have led your child to go no contact helps you begin a journey of compassion, healing and relationship repair.
Give yourself some time to digest this information and to consider what parts of it might apply to your estrangement situation. Then, take the next step of doing your healing. The relationship cannot repair in a sustainable, lasting way until you have healed.
When your child estranged, you were dealt a huge emotional blow. You need to recover from that before you try to repair the relationship with your child. Before you learn new ways of communicating that work better. Before you hear the hard things you will hear when the reconciliation begins.
Before any of that, your healing comes first. To heal the fruit, you have to heal the root. And you, dear soul, are the root.
One way to begin the emotional healing process is to work on forgiving yourself for all the mistakes, all the wrong choices… all the things you might be blaming yourself for right now. Acknowledge the mistakes. Own them and commit to learning to show up differently. Ask Jesus for forgiveness, and then… let it go.
You can do a releasing exercise by writing a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Write it to the part of you who feels shame and guilt. Tell her what she needs to hear in order to release the guilt and shame, and move forward toward learning to show up differently.
After you write the letter, wait 24 hours and read it to yourself. Then, tear it up and throw it away. Pray and ask God to help you leave it at His feet. This is important because you can’t heal the estrangement from a slump-shouldered, guilt ridden stance. You were made for more than that.
If you’ve found this information helpful, please get the word out by sharing it with another estranged mother who might benefit from it too.
Okay, friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to apply for your free consultation to explore working with me as your Estrangement Coach.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.