Divisive Daughter In Law? 3 Things NOT To Say To Your Estranged Son.
If your daughter-in-law is causing friction, avoid saying these things to your estranged son.
If you’re estranged from your married adult son, you might suspect your daughter-in-law has a hand in it. That is not always the case, but there is an epidemic of division in families being driven by daughter in laws. Again, this is not an indictment of all daughter in laws. But if you DO have a daughter in law who is driving a wedge, there are specific ways to navigate the situation so that you get your estranged son back in your life.
In this episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
Common factors that cause some daughter in laws to drive a wedge
3 things to absolutely not say to your estranged son right now
Ways to navigate the situation that help you get your son back in your life
Click below to listen to the podcast episode, or skip down for a written version.
Read the blog below…
Let’s talk about daughter in laws. Of course, some DILs are a treasure and become like one of your own children. That’s what we would hope for in a daughter in law. Maybe you had daydreams of taking your DIL shopping and out to lunch on a regular basis. Maybe you envisioned how the two of you would get along well and that she would call on you to babysit your grandchildren often.
For some people that is the reality. For others, it’s something very different. There is an epidemic of situations where the DIL views you as an obstacle, vying for control of her husband.
She might view you as toxic, intrusive and annoying. You might find yourself estranged from a son you were once close with, and getting to see your grandchildren very little, if at all.
Why do some daughter in laws want to break the relationship between a son and his mother?
Many such DILs exhibit signs of borderline personality disorder or even narcissism. Some might host a divisive Jezebel spirit.
If you’ve experienced extreme division at the hands of your DIL, you probably wish you could talk some sense into your son. Maybe you’re very tempted to have a discussion with him and try to make him see what’s really going on. Before you make that phone call, write the email or have the conversation, keep reading…
Whether this is a brand new situation in your family, or if you’ve been going through it for a while, there are some things to absolutely not say to your son. Things that would make the estrangement worse than it already is.
Here are 3 things to avoid saying to your estranged son, when a divisive daughter in law is driving the wedge between you…
1 “You should have some loyalty to your family”.
This statement, or anything like it, puts your son in a position of choosing between his family with his wife and his family with his parents. If you force him into that position, understand that it is not fair to him, and also understand that he very well might go further in the opposite direction.
More than likely, his wife is already pressuring him to “be a man” and stand by her, even if it means putting his mom at a distance. If you also tell him what he should be doing in order to be a stand up man, the pressure will likely drive him further away.
2 - “I know your wife is causing this”.
You might feel tempted to tell your son that you empathize with his position, being pressured for no contact by a controlling wife. You might want to let him know that you know in your heart that the decision to go no contact with you, was not entirely his own.
You might WANT to say those things to your estranged son… but don’t do it. Saying those things, or anything similar, will only deepen the divide between you.
Right now, he has it in his head that his wife is right. He sees her as having his best interest in heart. And she has probably convinced him that she needs protecting from you… From your dislike of her, from your trampling over her boundaries, from your lack of respect for her as a mother (if they have a child or children) and the list goes on.
I’m not saying you’re guilty of those things. You very well might not be. But that’s the perception your son is under at the moment. Trying to tell him that the woman he sees as his closest ally is actually divisive and troubled… that will not land well.
3 - “I think your wife needs counseling”.
It is true that many divisive daughter in laws display signs of borderline personality disorder, narcissism or other emotional or mental health issues. I am not saying this from the view of a therapist - I am not a therapist or a clinical diagnostician, but most of us can see those traits and know what we’re experiencing.
So, you might have a pretty good idea that you’re dealing with a borderline issue or so forth. You might think that if you gently suggested this to your son, he would consider it. And maybe he’d see the signs for himself.
If your estranged son ever sees the signs for himself, he will need to come to it on his own. You cannot lead him there. Suggesting that his wife is mentally unwell puts him on the defensive, and it will make you look like you’re unwilling to own any of the things your son and DIL want you to change.
How do you navigate estrangement from your son if it’s driven by your daughter in law?
So, by now, you might be wondering… If I shouldn’t say any of these things, what CAN I say or do about the estrangement and about my divisive daughter in law?
First, you pray. Pray daily. Pray specifically. Pray in earnest… meaning let it come from your heart. It doesn’t have to be a long prayer, but don’t make it superficial either. Do more than go through the motions. Remember, fall 7 times and get up 8. This is a marathon and there will be times you feel tired. Rest, but do not quit.
Secondly, get the right support. Dealing with a divisive daughter in law is a complex situation, but it is absolutely still possible.
I have had clients experience healing in their relationships involving divisive daughter in laws. It can be done, but you need a specific strategy. And you need some support and guidance because you’re going to get triggered.
The devil is going to tell you to give up. You will need not only the how-to’s but also the emotional support to keep you in a place of peace and power as you do it.
If that person is me, I’m here for it. If it’s someone else, that is okay too. But whoever that is for you, get professional, experienced support from someone who is God-led, and you feel comfortable with.
Okay, friend. That is what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
If you’re an estranged mother going through parental estrangement from your adult son or daughter, you’ve found a place of refuge. Click here to learn how I can help you. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.