Use This Mindset Hack To Shift Negative Spirals Caused By Adult Child Estrangement
Adult child estrangement can cause your brain to work against you.
Let’s talk about becoming the boss of your mind. It is Biblical to not give control of your mind over to negative or dark forces.
A quick caveat before we get further into this subject… when I talk about being able to choose happiness or create specific thoughts, I am not referring to situations where someone has clinical depression or a chemical imbalance. Those issues should be handled by a mental health professional or medical doctor.
adult child estrangement can convince you that your emotions happen “to you”
One of the biggest lies our brain likes to tell us is that emotions happen TO us, and that we have no choice in how we feel. Believing that does 2 things…
Number 1 - it keeps you where you are. It means you don’t have to do anything. Because why would you take action on something you have zero power to influence? Instead, you stay put, do nothing and remain stuck where you are. While you might not like the way you feel, not having to take any action can bring a certain sense of safety.
The other thing it does is take away our power. When we decide we have no control over how we feel, we give our power away. So while not having to do anything might seem like temporary relief, the result of giving away your power is not a good feeling.
What is adult child estrangement?
There are differing thoughts about what constitutes adult child estrangement. I want to be clear about what adult child estrangement is. It’s important to understand what estrangement is because otherwise you might tell yourself you have no reason to feel sad, etc if you think estrangement has to look a specific way to be real.
if you are experiencing total loss of contact with your adult child, or if your adult child has gone very low contact, you are going through adult child estrangement. You may also be experiencing adult child estrangement if your child has become emotionally cut off from you, even if they remain in regular contact.
Knowing how to manage your mind does not invalidate your feelings
As I teach you about managing your thoughts, it in no way means your sad or upset feelings are not valid. What I am saying to you in this post is meant to help you see that you have choices. You have the key to unlock your own cage. It might not feel that way if you’re in the throws of adult child estrangement, but you truly do have the ability to make choices that impact your feelings.
Choosing to manage your mind
When you feel the negativity creeping in, you can choose to manage your mind. You get to decide which thoughts you will accept and what you’ll send back because it’s not serving you well.
2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
Every time your brain offers you a thought, I want you to consider this comparison… when you’re out at a restaurant, and the waiter comes by with the dessert cart, and he asks if you’d like some cheesecake or a creme brûlée, you can say, “Yes, I’d love a slice of cheesecake.” or you can decline and say “No thank you”.
You get to decide if you want to consume what the waiter offered to you.
Your thoughts are exactly like that. Your brain offers you a thought, and you can take a moment to consider if you want to consume it, or if you’d rather send it back.
At first, it might feel hard to send the thought back and let it go, but the more you do it, the more you’ll see that you have that power.
Here’s the mindset hack to squash thoughts that Are making you feel bad
When you notice the negative thought, consider if you want to keep it. If not, in your mind, say, “I decline that thought. And I will think this instead…“ and then replace the thought you did not want with a thought that serves you better.
Always make sure the replacement thought you choose aligns with what is Biblical.
When you use this mindset hack, it’s like telling that waiter that you don’t want the cheesecake but you’d actually like a slice of apple pie instead. You’re filtering what is not useful and replacing it with what you want to consume.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say you’re feeling down and unmotivated to attend a lunch date with a friend. You know it would do you good to get out of the house and see your friend, but your thoughts are that without being in a state of reconciliation with your estranged daughter, there’s no happiness in anything for you.
You have the ability to create happiness. Happiness is available to you even right now. Even before you are in reconciliation with your estranged adult child. Those thoughts about being unable to experience happiness are just the waiter offering you dessert, and you can decide not to consume it.
Instead you can decide to think: It’s nice to have time for lunch dates with friends. Or: My daughter’s choices do not get to control my actions.
You get to choose the thoughts you will entertain and those thoughts create the emotions you feel. You have the keys to the cage, sis.
Give this a try for the next 30 days and watch what a huge impact it has on your sense of well being and happiness. In the meantime, come over to the free Facebook Group and share your experience and get support. Click below to join us!
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.