Family Estrangement: 3 Things A Mom Who Successfully Reconciles With An Estranged Adult Child Does NOT Say
Are you experiencing family estrangement from your adult child?
If you have an adult child who has gone low contact, or no contact at all, this post is for you…
There are empty nest moms who have an adult child who flew the nest, but they still talk regularly. There are empty nest moms who have adult kids who communicate here and there, and while they would like to hear from them more, things are fairly okay. And then there are empty nest moms who have a prodigal child who has estranged from them. No phone calls, no texts and no visits.
I’ve personally been the mama with an estranged adult child, and I know it is one of the worst heartaches a mom can experience. I remember the feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety and sadness. I would get angry and spout off one minute and then apologize and beg her to give me another chance. My emotions were unregulated and I was desperate for it to get better.
I felt rejected, confused and anxious. I thought we had been best friends. We used to laugh so hard together. Had she really disliked me all along? Can you relate?
After years of trial and error, and trying to figure it out, Jesus revealed a path to me. I used pieces of what the secular world teaches about reunification, but I left out the parts of it that were not aligned with Christianity. I leaned on God and took steps to reconcile with my daughter, but I worked with God for my healing, too. For reconciliation to really work, you have to approach it from a healed and whole place.
I studied other experts’ work in that field, and I looked at what is Biblical. I talked with other moms of estranged adult children, and learned what they were feeling, saying and doing.
Also, experience is a masterful teacher, and I know what worked for me. I say all that to say that while I don’t know everything about family estrangement, I do have some answers. When I tell you the 3 Things A Mom Who Successfully Reconciles With An Estranged Adult Child Does NOT Say, it’s not something I take lightly. I’ve researched it and I’ve lived it.
Okay, so let’s look at what not to say if you want a successful reconciliation with your estranged young adult. Caveat: if you recognize yourself in any of these things, don’t get down on yourself about it. I made SO many mistakes when my daughter first chose to estrange from me, and I am proof that you can come back from that.
Telling your estranged child, “You don’t know what a hard childhood is.”
This is a misdirected thought. Avoid comparing your estranged child’s pain with your pain, or the pain of others. When you say this, what you really mean is that you had a very hard situation when growing up (or maybe you know of others who had it rough) and you tried to give your child a better childhood. You probably feel hurt and angry, and as if your child is saying your best efforts were not good enough.
That may be what’s in your heart when you say this, but what your child hears is that you’re invalidating their pain and saying it doesn’t matter. You could be 100% right that your child had what you consider to be a very peaceful upbringing compared to your childhood, but here is a harsh truth. It doesn’t matter.
Ouch. I know that is a bold statement, so let me explain. Your pain matters. You matter. Your feelings matter. But in this conversation with your child, in that context, it is not relevant that someone else may have had it worse.
Imagine that you had a small child who fell down when riding her bike, and she came in crying with a bloody scrape on her elbow. You can see she’s in pain, but what you say to her is, “You think your elbow hurts? Your brother broke his arm yesterday. That was real pain.” You wouldn’t do that, or at least I hope not. Telling her that her brother had a worse injury does not make her pain any less. It only shames her for crying about it and makes her feel like it doesn’t matter to you. And the next time she gets hurt, chances are she won’t come to you for comfort.
The same applies with this conversation with your adult child. You don’t want to dismiss their pain or compare it to someone who had it worse because it makes them feel like they don’t matter to you, and they are less likely to open up to you about anything else. And if that’s the case, reconciliation is unlikely to happen.
Even if your young adult states her pain in a rude or smart mouthed way (and believe me, I know that can happen), it still takes a level of vulnerability on their part to tell you about what’s hurting them. It also means they still see hope for reconciliation, or they wouldn’t be telling you. So be empathetic in your response and avoid comparing their pain to someone else’s.
2. Saying to your estranged child, “I did the best I could raising you.”
This is something that might be totally true. We love our children and I believe most of us did the best we knew how, from where we were at the time. I believe we did a lot of things right. I believe we should give ourselves some grace for the mistakes we made along the way, too.
So if the statement is true, why would you not say it? Because at that moment, your child is trying to tell you the problem at they see it, and when you make this statement, it’s like slamming a door in their face. It makes you sound like a victim or like you own no responsibility in the relationship. If you’re helpless to do anything differently, then how can things ever get better? That’s how your child will perceive it.
And the truth is that while we may have done our best, and there might have been special circumstances at the time, it does nothing to move us forward to just say, well that was the best I had to offer. Take it or leave it.
Here’s an example of how I had to let go of that narrative to achieve breakthrough with my formerly estranged daughter: My mom had cancer, and we lost our house due to a mold issue. I also lost our car because of falling behind on payments due to being off work to be with my mom at the hospital. All of those circumstances were hard and were not my fault. I really was trying my best to be good to the people who were counting on me - my mom and my son and daughter.
But that does not mean that losing her stability, going through having to stay with a family member until we got back on our feet and witnessing her grandma’s illness and death was not impactful to my daughter. It doesn’t mean that having to leave many of our items behind due to mold contamination didn’t feel like major loss to my son and daughter.
See, it can be painful for our child and also not be our fault at the same time. Remind yourself of that if your brain tries to make it one way or the other. It can be BOTH. And it can be both without you having to tell your child it is both. They don’t have to validate it for you to know it is true.
Your child is not asking you to rewrite the past, but rather to recognize something hurt them and that maybe there were things you could have done better with. Again, they might be saying it in a rough way, but remember that you set the example for emotional regulation as the parent, even when they are adults. And you can also set boundaries if they get over the top disrespectful - you can always reschedule the conversation if they insist on crossing reasonable boundaries.
So what should you say if you feel tempted to tell them you did the best you could? Instead of focusing on defending yourself, concentrate on letting them know you hear and witness their feelings. You might say something like, “It sounds like that made you feel really scared. That was not my intention and I am sorry I didn’t recognize how it hurt you.”
3. Telling your estranged son or daughter, “I am through with you.”
This was a big one for me. I used to be an all or nothing type of person when dealing with the estrangement from my daughter. I would get so hurt and angry, and I wanted her to see how extremely deeply it was affecting me. I wanted her to care. I wanted her to say she was sorry and for everything to go back to the way it was before the estrangement.
In my mind, if I raised the stakes by saying I was finished with her, or telling her to get out or so forth, she would see my pain and care about it. All it really accomplished was to make the rift between us bigger and to leave me feeling anxious, sad and defeated.
Looking back on it, I can see that I was using a disordered coping mechanism that I learned from my dad. I love my parents, but sometimes we have to unlearn certain things if we’re going to be the one to break generational traumas and pain. And I do want to break those chains for the ones who come after me.
After my blow ups, I would apologize and feel like I had not acted in a way I was proud of. It was kind of humiliating, really.
When you threaten to be through with your child, you’re playing a dangerous game. They might take you seriously and preemptively cut all communications to try to protect their emotions. Be mindful of the words you choose when you’re processing the emotions of family estrangement
There are situations where parents say they feel they have to cut off communication in order to be emotionally okay. If that’s how you feel, I encourage you to explore other options. You can get support from a therapist, or a coach like me. You can take a middle road where you set self respecting boundaries and you reach out to your child periodically, but from a place of power and certainty instead of feeling like you’re begging them for a relationship.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I encourage you to pray on it and consider going in the middle. Usually, closed doors don’t actually heal the hurt you feel - they just make it easier to avoid directly dealing with it. But the pain still exists.
So there you have 3 things a mom who successfully reconciles with their estranged child does not say. I want to underscore that simply not saying these things is only one part of the path toward reunification. Your healing is a huge piece of the process.
Get the right family estrangement support
If you’d like support and guidance around this process, working with a Faith based coach who is specifically trained in family estrangement can be really helpful.
I am a certified coach, trained in family estrangement… and I’ve also lived it. I know what worked for me, and what has worked for those who I’ve helped as well. You do not have to figure this out on your own. Get the right support.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation.
Jenny Good is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach, specializing in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.