Estranged Mother: Why Does Your Child Only See Your Mistakes
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Estranged Mother: Have you ever felt like your estranged child almost wants to be angry?
Maybe it seems like no matter how many things you did well as a parent, they insist on dwelling on what you did wrong.
That can make you feel defeated and rejected. I know because I’ve been there. In this post, I’m going to explain to you what’s really going on when your estranged adult child seems to only see your mistakes.
This is going to walk you out of feeling defeated and help you empathize with your estranged adult child instead of resenting them for dwelling on the negative. When you anchor into that empathy and radical love, you have a much better chance of healing the family estrangement from your child.
How many estranged mothers feel
Many, of not all of us, feel this way at some point in the estrangement journey… Even if I did 10,000 things right, and one thing wrong, my adult child would focus on the one thing I did wrong as a parent?
Does that sound familiar to you?
I know I felt like that when I was going through estrangement from my daughter. And I believe many of you feel the same way. It leads you to a sense of discouragement, hurt and anger.
I knew my daughter and I had some issues as she was growing up, but I also considered her one of my best friends at the time. We used to laugh so hard together, and I genuinely liked her and was proud of her. I guess I thought she genuinely liked me too.
When I found out that she felt some pretty harsh feelings toward me, I was hurt, surprised and angry. For the next several months, I vacillated between begging, demanding and then begging again.
The vicious circle estranged mothers go through
Most of the estranged mothers who come to me for help have been in the vicious circle of pleading, lashing out and then pleading some more. We say and do some harmful things in that cycle, but thankfully, we can recover from the mistakes.
Hear me on that… you are not doomed to live in your past mistakes. You’re not. Even if it feels like it right now.
One of the things I teach my clients in estrangement coaching is how to step out of your past mistakes and create a new way of being. From what you believe about yourself to how you communicate with your child and how you show up in your customized reconciliation plan… we walk out of the past.
As an estranged mother, it’s imperative that you learn how to leave the old stories that hurt you behind. You must release yourself from your past mistakes and learn new ways of communicating AND how to reach out to your child in a way that is much more likely to open the door to talking. There are ways of doing that besides the amends letter approach (which does not work).
You deserve to exit this nightmare.
And it DOES feel like a nightmare. I remember just wanting to stop the nightmarish scenario that was playing out in front of me. I wanted to keep my daughter in my life. I wanted to go back, before I was an estranged mother, to when the title of “Mom” seemed like it carried love and respect with it.
My mind circled in rumination a lot. Maybe you can relate. It’s when you go down the rabbit hole of thoughts. One thought leads to another, and before long you’re replaying their entire childhood in your head, and analyzing every part of it.
When you’re in that place, a thought occurs to you… you did a whole lot of things well. You made some really good choices. You showed up well that time that “so and so” happened.
Even if you are an estranged mother, you probably did a lot of things right
That realization that you did a lot of things well, can lead to feelings of anger and resentment because you feel like the only thing your son or daughter sees is what they think you did wrong. You’re getting zero credit for the things you did right. And that feels unfair.
You might wonder why they’re choosing to focus on only the negative. Maybe you’re even tempted to ask your estranged child why they only dwell on the bad parts, or what they think you did wrong.
Does your estranged child want to be angry?
Estranged mothers have asked me why their son or daughter wants to be unhappy or angry. I know it can seem like they prefer being unhappy, but that’s not actually what’s going on.
Here’s what’s happening, and why your estranged child seems to focus only on what they say you did wrong…
If you were to drop a hammer on your foot and break your toe, it would cause significant pain, right? Let’s say I am standing with you when that happens, and you’re yelling out in pain, bending over and rubbing your toe and crying.
And let’s imagine that my response to all of that is to remind you that you have ten fingers that feel fine. Can’t you just focus on that and not on the one toe that has this issue?
You’d probably feel pretty upset with me for my response, and of course you wouldn’t focus on the uninjured fingers. Why? Because the pain demands your attention. It’s pretty hard to think about what’s not hurting when someone is causing you a lot of pain.
With your estranged child, it’s a lot like that. Yes, of course you did some great things in their upbringing. Maybe even most of the things you did were amazing. But if there is something causing them acute pain, that is demanding their attention right now.
Reminding them of what doesn’t hurt only makes them feel angry, and as if you are minimizing or dismissing their feelings. Creating emotional safety is a big part of achieving reconciliation with your child.
A key for estranged mothers: Creating emotional safety
To create emotional safety, you have to foster an environment where your child feels that you take their feelings seriously. If they believe you’re dismissing their pain by asking them, “what about all these other things I did right?”, then they will feel emotionally gun shy to tell you how they really feel about other things.
And even if you never come out and say to your child that you want to know why they are focusing on the negative, thinking it hinders reconciliation too.
The thoughts you choose have a dramatic influence on whether or not you ever reconcile with your child. When I work with clients in estrangement coaching, we spend a solid 2 weeks on a tool I give them to manage their thoughts. It’s the only tool we spend 2 full weeks on.
I do that because I know for sure that it is THE tool that will make the most difference in successfully reconciling.
When you think empathetic thoughts toward your child, there is a shift in your energy. You feel different toward them. You feel different about yourself.
How you feel is going to come across when you reach out to your child to try to re-open the door of communication. How you think will come across to them in indirect ways, so the sooner you manage your mind the better.
When you see that your child is speaking about the negative parts of their childhood because they’re in pain and want to feel better, you start seeing them in a new light. You’re less angry. You can drop your defenses a little. And you realize that you and they both want the same thing. To be loved, to be emotionally safe and for your feelings to matter.
It’s a lot harder to be angry and resentful when you’re coming from that place. Forgiveness and radical love are the medicine.
Sister, listen to me… I know what it feels like to wonder what’s the use of changing if they’re always going to hold your nose down in your mistakes. Don’t you believe that it’s pointless. Don’t you let satan whisper those lies to you and convince you it’s true. I kept going and it was 100% worth it. And it will be worth it for you too. You are so much more than your mistakes. Keep going.
Okay, friend. That is what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
If you’re an estranged mother going through parental estrangement from your adult son or daughter, you’ve found a place of refuge. Click here to learn how I can help you. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.