Do you know what to do if you see your estranged child at a Thanksgiving gathering?

As Thanksgiving gets closer, you might find yourself in a situation where you’re under the same roof as your estranged adult child. You don’t want to avoid your estranged child, and come across as cold or uncaring. You also don’t want to make the estrangement worse by being pushy or ignoring their boundaries.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through…

How to deal with the sense of urgency to “do something” when you see them
3 things to avoid doing so that you don’t feel regret on the ride home
3 things to do that position you better for reconciliation with your estranged child

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As I write this blog post, we’re entering the Thanksgiving Season in the United States.

But even if you come across this post at another time of year, you can still use this information if you run into your estranged child. It could be at a family reunion, a wedding or a birthday gathering. There’s a reason you crossed paths with this post, so make a cuppa tea, settle in and find what’s in it for you.

The questions in your head about seeing your estranged child at a Thanksgiving gathering

Let’s say you’re going to attend a Thanksgiving gathering where your estranged son or daughter is likely to be. You might be wondering how to act. Do you walk up and say hello? Should you hug them? What if their spouse is with them; do you acknowledge them?

You don’t want to make a scene or worsen the situation, and you also don’t want to come across as cold and indifferent, as if you don’t miss them or care. So how do you handle it?

The sense of urgency when you see your estranged child at a Thanksgiving event

I want to prepare you that it might bring up a strong sense of urgency when you see your estranged daughter or son. It triggers a feeling that you have to “do something”, because this chance to be in the same room as them might not come around again anytime soon.

If those feelings comes up, breathe through it. It’s just your brain offering you some thoughts; you get to make the decisions here. You want to stay in a place of calm and emotional regulation. Remember, your goal here is to show up in a way that challenges their perceptions of you. A way that creates a sense of emotional safety.

Release worries about what’s out in the future. Don’t let thoughts of urgency drive you to act in a graspy, desperate way. You are the healer not the wound. And the healer does not show up as clingy or pressured.

Here are 3 things to DO when you see your estranged child at Thanksgiving

1) DO let them set the agenda.

If your estranged child, or their spouse, make eye contact with you, just smile. If they say hi, say “Hello, how are you?” Let them set the agenda. This helps establish a sense of trust that they can be under the same roof as you without feeling pressured or triggered.

2) DO pray before you attend the event.

Ask Jesus to give you calm confidence and to help you show up in peaceful, emotionally medicinal energy.

3) DO REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM BEFORE THE THANKSGIVING GATHERING.

Get 8 hours of sleep and take a short walk before attending the gathering. This helps you show up rested, regulated and calm. You wouldn’t go to a 5K run with no sleep, a poor breakfast and no hydration beforehand. Likewise, you want to show up to this Thanksgiving gathering as the best version of yourself.

Here are 3 things NOT to do when you see your estranged child at Thanksgiving

1) Do NOT approach your estranged child or their spouse.

This comes off as pushy, intrusive and as if you are not honoring their boundaries. I know, I know. It can feel like boundaries are overused in our current society, but if you want to rebuild trust with your child, you have to be willing to establish a sense of emotional safety for them. And that involves not trampling on their boundaries.

2) DO NOT bring up any heavy emotional topic if you talk with them.

Keep it light and surface level. Trying to jump from square 1 to square 100 does not work. It scares them away.

3) DO NOT stare at them and watch their every move.

Give them space. Focus on enjoying the Thanksgiving gathering. Talk with the other people that you also love and want to spend time with. Don’t make it awkward.

This is a chance to show your estranged child that things could be different in the future

Think of this as an opportunity to illustrate to your estranged child (and their spouse if you have a gatekeeper on your hands) that you can show up differently. Prove to them that you absolutely can show up in more emotional regulation, being understanding of their needs and boundaries. This goes a long way in building a bridge between you. And it’s a lot kinder to yourself than acting in ways you’ll regret on the ride home.

Get the right estrangement support

If you could use some personalized guidance and support, not only for navigating the Holidays but also for learning to emotionally regulate yourself, communicate differently and carry out a reconciliation plan - I can help you. Go HERE to get in touch.

Seeing Your Estranged Adult Child At A Family Thanksgiving Event